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Colin's Adventures In Sheepland
Well the order of events gets messed up, I actually went paragliding before I went to that damned hellhole full of -ahem- that beautiful place, Milford Sound. Not like you really care. Lots of this is exaggerated and made up anyway. You were warned.
Paragliding is really another way to say "controlled suicide attempt". Well, it does involve
jumping off a cliff 2000 metres from solid ground. Jokes aside though, it really is quite fun.
Doesn't compare to bungee jumping or skydiving without a chute, but if you get a good instructor,
you end up looping around, spinning wildy and surprisingly landing on the ground without
inconveniencing any parts of your anatomy. I was lucky this time. And you also get a roll of
film which you can develop and show off, just leaving out the part that you got to 2000m by
driving up a mountain in a van with a numberplate that says "PGLYDA".
Okay there really isn't much to say about that, just that you should try it.
Now our conquering hero hit town not knowing what to expect. There was a surprising number of
Japanese-owned shops. Beware! Just like Canada, they're secretly taking over the world! But I
personally prefer Canada to take over because I'm a hockey fan and so they won't torture me.
Either eat lots of sushi and learn Japanese or get interested in (or fake an interest in) hockey
before it's too late! If you came or will come to the funfair stall, we'll put in a good word
for you! Hurry! Hur-...
Nice numberplate. (That's a taxi, if you're dumb)
Owww my brain hurts... what happened?? Why is it suddenly half an hour later?? Anyway the Japs use the same sales tactic they use the world over... they stand outside and literally mug you. "Wanna smell this perfume? *shoves 10 glass bottles in your face* Vely good, just imported from Amarika!! Calvin Klain you know!!" is the typical encounter you'll get. You don't see it here because Seiyu knows that if you ever step in Bugis Junction, sooner or later you will step in their store and they can isolate you for mugging, and because you're in the store, you won't be able to swear at them and just walk out. Daimaru in Plaza Sing knows better because there aren't 10 other Japanese shops/restaurants to get reinforcements from. In Liang Court though, you're on your own.
Queenstown is a really beautiful town, just so long as you ignore the Japanese. The whole damn
place was crawling with Japanese tourists peering at you out of the tour bus's tinted windows.
To escape the Kempetai who were coming down the street, we ducked into a Japanese restaurant
which prided itself on serving sushi that looks like a cockroach had recently decided to finish
its digestion on it. I ended up with an innocent bowl of noodles.
Across the street along the lakeside is a pub that goes by the name of The Loaded Hog. It's actually a chain of pubs. The name describes very well the people inside. In the afternoon you can get innocent high-caffeine coffee. Hey, at least it's better than Starbucks. It came with a free serving of potato wedges which are designed to release hot oil all over the fingers of the first to touch them.
Coming up in Sheepland 6, the biggest city in the world (based on land) descends into temporary anarchy, all thanks to me.