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Colin's Adventures In Sheepland
And so we leave the South and head north, like migrating geese, to.. it starts with A... ALASKA! No, actually it was AUCKLAND!!! WOW!!
Auckland is the biggest city in the world in terms of land area, but the population is only about 1.2 million as of the 2001 census (you see?! I might be writing to entertain but I still check my facts!!!) which means that there's very few people taking up a lots and lots of space. Wait till Mr Alexis Ho hears of this, and he'll scream "misuse of arable land!" or something like that.
Getting on the domestic flight, I had yet another encounter with the Japanese. Bowing in thanks to their host who was apparently a "naturalised citizen" as the Americans call it, the Jap impaled himself accidentally (I think it was accidentally) on his samurai sword, causing the host to have to commit ritual suicide as well. The wide-eyed airport police let the Jap go through still with the samurai sword sticking in his intestines.
Then the guy nonchalantly boarded the plane, took out the sword from what must have been a very uncomfortable position for him, and had his wife sew him back up with a portable sewing machine. He waved to the apparently dead fellow countryman, who got up from where he had landed after jumping from the 2nd floor and started to laugh hysterically. Then a Chinese guy on the plane shouted "He's a terrorist!" in Mandarin (ta shi kong bu fen zi!!), and once he realised there were only 6 or 7 people who understood Chinese out of 40+ on the plane, he screamed, "Hee ish a terrorish!"
Immediately all the rugby players in Queenstown as well as the junior hockey players from the "Jurassic League" piled on top of the Japanese guy. The only people still in their seats were an old woman who simply said "Huh?" and dug her ears, flicking ear wax all over the plane.
Suddenly the pilot yelled, "For f*ck's sake!
The plane's gonna roll over!!". Everyone froze and there was total silence as the plane tilted
precariously and then bounced back into the proper position. Then, the Jap removed the sword
from his guts again and we took off.
The flight was uneventful except for when all the beer was impaled when the samurai sword made a comeback from being safely being stowed in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of you. Everyone screamed, and we had to endure the last 1½ hours of the flight without alcohol, which is really really hard. The poor Jap guy was shoved into the luggage carousel when we got off. One less Japanese to harass the people.
And so began Auckland's slow but sure descent into anarchy. It began with a seafood platter at the Hammerhead Seafood Restaurant. A nasty crowd had gathered at the kitchen door hijacking all the food, but all the customers noticed was that their fish smelled like some tramp's bad breath. Ah hell, it's probably a natural smell. Eating "organic" is more healthy right? Shit is organic right? That fish is sure gonna taste a lot better than when you were licking your boss's ass for a raise yesterday, so eat it! Gulp, chew chew chew, swallow. Yum.
Now seafood platters have oysters on them, and the riot started when 6 of the tramps got oysters and the other 425 didn't. Suddenly firebombs and Molotov cocktails were flying out the windows. Naturally the passers-by thought it was just a wild company family night, and so when the dust and the tartar sauce settled, the tramps stood up, brushed themselves off and went to the dole queue with nothing unpleasant being carried over.
But what will carry over is Day 6, Part 7 of Adventures In Sheepland.